Pastor Reflections: On talking to people in need

2/3/22

One of the challenges all pastors face, and really anyone who has a friend or someone who wants to talk with them about an issue they are facing in their life, is the pressure to fix or come up with a solution to people’s problems. Not only is finding the perfect solution to fix a situation often impossible, but I have also found that most people aren’t seeking counsel assuming that it will make their problem disappear.

Sure, practical advice can be helpful when appropriate, but even then giving quick advice on what to do can actually be unhelpful. Rarely do we enjoy, after sharing with someone a struggle or discouragement we are facing, when someone immediately responds with “but have you tried doing X?”

More than anything, people want to be heard and empathized with. Responding with quick solutions can almost feel as if what someone is going through isn’t that big of a deal. Just do “fill in the blank” and everything will be fine and you will be too. However, even if the problem is somehow “fixed,” it doesn’t change how hard it was to experience the problem in the first place.

While I certainly hope to be of some help in terms of good next steps to take, I put much less pressure on myself going into a meeting with someone hoping I can give them the best advice than I used to. More than anything, I pray that I can listen in a way that they feel like someone heard them, and sit with them well in their discouragement.

Perhaps it’s not the most pastoral language, but my encouragement to pastors is to learn to say “that really sucks, I’m so sorry.” Often that’s the most helpful thing we can say.

So let me say that to you if you are going through something really hard right now. Your pain and feelings are valid, even if they don’t make logical sense. I pray you won’t stay feeling how you’re feeling for long, but for now, it really sucks, and I am really sorry you’re having to experience it.