10 Reflections On 10 Years Without My Dad
Ten years ago today (June 27, 2019), I lost my dad to a suicide. And while there isn't inherently anything different between each anniversary of his passing, there is something significant feeling about ten years.
So in light of 10 years of going through something I never would have imagined, here are 10 reflections of what I've learned and experienced during this time.
1. Time can help, but it doesn't heal
I can tell you confidently both from personal experience and in walking through grief with others that time will not heal your wounds. If you do not do the hard work of allowing yourself to grieve, talking through your grief with others, and doing things that will help you continue forward you will never heal.
Healing doesn't mean it's never hard or it no longer hurts, but it does mean that you can find a "new normal" where your pain doesn't control your life.
2. It's still hard knowing that he should be here
Pain is pain, and we shouldn't compare whether ours is harder than others. If you're hurting then you are hurting; never downplay that.
That said, different situations can lead to different types of hurt. One of the unique pains of suicide is the fact that the person that you lost should still be alive. My dad didn't die of an illness, he didn't die of old age. He didn't even die of an unexpected accident like a car crash. Which means that there is no reason why he shouldn't be here. That reality is really hard to deal with at times.
3. You never know what people are really dealing with
June 27 is a hard day. It's the day my dad died. That said, the people I see as I am out and about on that day have no idea that it's a particularly difficult day for me.
The same is probably true for you and for so many others. We all have painful days. It could be the anniversary of the death a loved one. Maybe you just got laid off from your job. Maybe you just signed the divorce papers.
It's easy for us to forget the pain people are going through on any given day.
4. My kids never knowing my dad is the hardest part
The hardest part about my dad no longer being here used to be all of the "firsts" or big days for me that he wasn't a part of. Things like my wedding day, graduating from college, finishing my master's degree, the day my kids were born, the launch day of New City Church, etc.
But that is not longer the hardest part. Now that Finley (my oldest) is four years old, it pains me to know she (or Roman) will never know my dad and her grandfather.
He would have been such a good grand-dad, and he would have really enjoyed it too. Sometimes Finley even says that she misses grandpa Roger, and that's both really sweet and hard to hear at the same time. I wish that they could have known him.
5. Roman is named after my dad
Roman's middle name is Glenn, which is was my dad's middle name as well. He may never meet his grand-dad in this life, but he will be hugely impacted by him as I attempt to be the father to him that my dad was to me.
6. My dad is not in heaven because he was a "good person"
My dad was by all accounts a "good person." He loved his family, lived generously, and served others well. But what mattered most is that he knew and followed Jesus. How he lived was in response to the love he had experienced by Christ himself.
The fact that I will one day be reunited with my dad again has nothing to do with how good (or bad) of a person I am either. It's because I have trusted in Jesus, even as I don't always get it right.
7. Jesus is a not a crutch, he is the truth
Speaking of Jesus, I find it fascinating when people say religion is just a crutch. The reality is we are all messed up. None of us are perfect. None of us have it all together. The only difference between people who recognize Jesus is Lord is that they have admitted what we all already know: they aren't perfect and need the grace of God.
Everyone walks with a limp, the question is whether or not we are self-aware enough to recognize it.
8. It's a privilege to want to be like my father
So many people have experienced broken homes or bad or absent fathers. Many people don't have an example of what a good husband or a good father looks like, they just want to be the exact opposite of what they say growing up.
But for me, I want to be what I saw. I want to love my wife the way he loved my mom. I want to be the father to my kids the way he was a father to me. I am so grateful to have an example to emulate instead of someone I want to be nothing like.
9. I wish my dad was a part of New City
His wisdom and experience would have been such a huge asset for our church and for me. There are so many times where I wish I could ask him what he thinks I or the church should do about a certain situation. And he would have been a great resource and encouragement for so many of our people.
Most of all however, he would have been an encouragement to me.
10. It's hard to believe it's been 10 years
10 years ago today (the day this was posted) my life changed forever. It's been 10 years and I can still remember so much about that day.
It doesn't seem like it's been 10 years since I last saw my dad. But I guess no matter how I old I get or how much time passes by, I'll always be so hugely impacted by my dad. That's what it happens when you're a dad; you make a big impact on your kid's lives.
It's even harder to think that in 10 more years I'll have lived longer without my dad around than having him around. I'm sure that will be a difficult time as well.
Thanks, dad
So although it hurts my dad isn't here, I'm thankful for the man, husband, father, and follower of Christ that he was. Whatever impact I may have on the lives of others, every single one of those people will have you to thank. So here's to doing everything I can to make that line as long as possible in heaven.
