5 Tips For Navigating The Holidays When You're Grieving A Loss
The holidays are a time of encouragement, warmth, and joy.
Until they aren't.
For those who are hurting the holidays can amplify that pain. And this is particularly true for those who have experienced the loss of a close family member or friend. Especially when you are facing the holidays for the first time without them.
Having lost my father to suicide at 19 years old, I've been there. Because of that, I have had the privilege of encouraging others when they experience loss of their own.
With the holidays fast approaching, here are five tips for those navigating them for the first time with the loss of a loved one.
1. Understand the first year will be the most difficult
This is both encouraging and discouraging. The reality is every "first" without a loved one is really hard. Birthdays, holidays, significant life moments, etc. These things are always a reminder that they aren't there.
This is especially true during the holidays. After all, it's the time of year when we are supposed to be the most thankful and joyful. And so it becomes the time of year when the reality of loss is most felt. That's the bad news.
The good news is that it won't always be this hard. The loss will always be felt, but when we grieve well the pain won't always be this poignant all the time. This means that while the holidays will always be a reminder of our loss, it won't always be this hard. It may be hard to believe in the moment, but it's true.
2. Celebrate the holidays in a different way and in a different place
This is perhaps the most practical advice I could give. There is nothing you can do to avoid the pain and difficulties of the holidays, but there are things you can do to lessen its blow.
The first year my family faced Thanksgiving and Christmas after my father died, it was exceptionally difficult. However, Christmas was not quite as bad. The biggest reason I can point to as to why is because we changed things up.
For Thanksgiving, we did the same thing and celebrated the holiday in the same place we always did. I'm not sure who's idea it was, but following Thanksgiving, we decided to celebrate Christmas differently than we normally did.
It made a big difference.
It was still very difficult, but because we celebrated Christmas in a different way and in a different place than we always had, it helped my father's absence feel not as pronounced over everything we did.
If this is your first holiday season without a loved one, I would suggest not doing the same thing you do every year. It will still be hard, but it will be different. This isn't to say you can't spend the holidays as you normally do in the future, but the first year is about getting through them. Healing doesn't happen overnight and it is ok to do what you need to do to survive the holidays the first year.
3. Plan to acknowledge the one no longer with you
There is no avoiding the tangible sense of loss the holidays bring when you are grieving the loss of someone close. Because of that, there is also nothing you can do to avoid the difficulty of it all.
However, going into the holidays with a plan, especially on Thanksgiving and Christmas, of how you want to acknowledge or honor your loved one helps on the day these holidays arrive.
The whole day will be hard, but planning on having a shared experience with those you are spending the day with will give everyone an opportunity to acknowledge the loss and/or grieve together.
Perhaps it is planning to share a favorite memory and having everyone go around and talk about one of their memories around a meal. Maybe it is doing something your loved one really enjoyed. Whatever it is, and as hard as it may sound, this is a really helpful way to face the day.
You will grieve, but you will grieve in a good way. And when you look back on it, you will be glad you spent time remembering them. After all, they may no longer be here, but they will always be your family and/or a significant person in your life.
4. Don't spend the holidays alone
You may have the urge to not do anything over the holiday season. You might think not acknowledging the holidays will somehow make it more bearable.
It won't.
We were created to be in community. Regardless of whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, we all need people in our lives to do life with. It's not an accident that depression and loneliness are so closely tied together.
While it might seem like facing the holidays alone for the first time might somehow lessen your pain, it won't. Don't face them alone.
5. God really does care
Pain and suffering are really hard things. As we know, the holidays only seem to make them worse.
And yet, it is exactly because of the holidays (specifically Christmas) that we can have hope. In the end, while we could give theological answers as to why God may allow pain, evil, and suffering in this life, it doesn't make it any easier to face. And at some point we all must admit that since we are not God, we don't know why he allows everything that he does.
But we do know this, it isn't because God doesn't care. Because if God didn't care, he wouldn't have come.
Christmas is the celebration that God came to do for us what we could never do for ourselves. That through what Jesus was coming to do, all of us would have the opportunity to experience hope and healing. That because of Jesus, we know the pain and hurt we feel now, though significant, is only momentary in light of what is to come.
So in the midst of your pain, I pray you know that God cares. And that you would feel his love this holiday season through the people he has placed in your life.
You're not alone, no matter what you may think.
Additional encouragement
If you are looking for additional hope or encouragement, below are a few of my other posts on my journey through grief.